Now after many years of therapy and treatment I made the trip to my local video store almost 8 years later to rent the tape and review it for everyone at ECWPERTH.COM to share the horror with you all that is Brawl in the family.

The tape opens with Todd Pettengill who is sporting a mullet that rivals Eddy Gurrero in the bad hair stakes. Now I am a big fan of Todd but boy does he suck worse than Divine Brown on this tape. He throws to announcers Gorilla Monsoon (a legend in the sport who is missed) and Stan Lane (or as I like to call him Stan Lame) who introduce the first match…

Match 1: Undertaker vs King Kong Bundy.

Straight away Gorilla Monsoon and Stan Lane are pressing the point this match is "exclusive to home video match" which translates to "not good enough for PPV or TV match" The match is slow to start and slow for the following four hours. Gorilla pushes the point that "there is no time limit and both these men are taking there time" This match could still be going today for all I know, King Kong Bundy hits the worst looking avalanche since Thredbo and around this point the crowd were chanting "REST IN PEACE" which is funny because around the 20 minute mark I was praying for the sweet release that only death could bring from this awful match. Eventually Taker one with a clothesline from the top.

Match 2: Owen Hart and The Anvil vs Men On a Mission.

Before I talk about this match I would like to point something out, there are only a handful of wrestlers I hate more than Mabel from Men On a Mission… Unfortunately one of them is Mo from M.O.M. Mo is just a little too tall to be a midget wrestler and way to untalented to be a regular size wrestler. Even Owen Hart couldn’t save this match from the evil talent less clutches of Mabel and Mo the only redeeming features of this match were 1) that Mabel didn’t injure anyone and 2) the worst commentary call of ALL TIME which I have below as an MP3 file so you can all enjoy making fun of Stan Lame.

Match ended when Owen Hart caught Mo in a small package… how ironic!

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE WORST CALL OF ALL TIME

Match 3 Diesel vs Double J (with Road Dogg and HBK)

This was back in those memorable 8 months when Diesel could have a match without getting injured ... those were the days. This match is pretty embarrassing as Diesel manhandles all three men and eventually powerbombs Double J for the win. It’s sad that the highlight of this match was Road Dogg doing a sound check for Double J before the match. After it’s all over, Shawn Michaels takes ten minutes removing all his jewellery and stuff to get in the ring and fight Diesel… and then runs away, nice way to pad another ten minutes on this already too long tape.

Match 4: Doink w/Dink vs Jerry Lawler:

Watching this match back was very bittersweet. Bitter because it sucked so bad, but sweet because I know Doink is dead and there will never be a rematch. The whole match is one big joke and unfortunately there is no funny punchline. Only saving grace came when Stan Lane offered another memorable quote when Dink bit Jerry Lawler in the ass and Stan Lane shouted "Dink takes a bite out of crime" since when is lawlers ass illegal? I was expecting Stan Lane to come out with something better like "Dink gets a big old mouthful of Lawler’s ass sandwich" but I guess with Stan Lame you take what you get. Winner with another small package Jerry Lawler. (Any first time wrestling fan would think the Small Package is the most devastating move in wrestling at this point)

Match 5: Lex Luger vs Bob Backland.

Now I know what you’re thinking… Dancin Lukey wasn’t this a match of the year candidate (please note that the Italics depict a deep sarcasm) this match was a SHOCKER! It went for 19 hours and eventually ended when "the all American Lex Luger" hooked on the rebel rack…

Dear God,

Hi it’s me Dancin Lukey, I don’t ask you for much but I would really appreciate it if you never let Bob Backland or Lex Luger wrestle again,

Thanks dude,

Lukey

Match 6: Tatanka vs Mabel.

Two Mabel matches on one video what did I ever do to deserve this Satan! If you put this match in super fast forward it still not at a normal speed, Mabel is the only wrestler in the world who can wrestle a whole match without moving more than 40cm to each side. More classic Stan Lame comments made this match memorable though like his classic "Mabel is used to pain he has been married twice" Hmm Stan Knows a little too much about Mabels love life for my liking. Personally I find it hard to believe that Mabel could find one person to marry him let alone two, in facts lets be totally honest the only love Mabel has ever had in his life is his love for Fried food. Anyway if that wasn’t bad enough the match had a dodgy DQ ended that got Mabel the victory. Another Stan Lame highlight followed as he "translated" Oscar from Men On a Missions rap, which I couldn’t resist attaching for you below.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Match 7: Bret Hart vs Owen Hart in a no holds barred match.

This is a great match, but I will add it’s the only passable match on the tape. I have a feeling they were sitting around in Titan towers and had a little conversation that went something like… WWF Exec 1: we have a great Bret vs Owen match on tape… WWF Exec 2: Great we can put it on a video and name it "Brawl in the Family"

WWF Exec 3: But wouldn’t we need to find other family feuds to put on the video to make the title make sense?

WWF Exec 1&2: (laughing hysterically) No we will just pad it out with 8 hours of shit!

WWF Exec 3: I don’t think people will like that?

WWF Exec 2: Well maybe if we put Stan Lane on commentary and had an abundance of Mable matches they would

AND THE REST IS HISTORY!

Anyway the Hitman and the King of Harts one on one… This match while not as good as there Wrestlemania 10 and Summerslam 94 cage match is a classic and definitely worth a look.

Match 8 - King Kong Bundy vs Razor Ramon:

Stan Lane opens this match by saying… "Do you think Razor Ramon will be able to get Bundy up for the Razors Edge?" Lets face it Stan the only Bundy Scott hall will be getting up will be a bottle of Bundy Rum, This match is at "Restholdmania" main event status. It’s about 20 minutes long and 19 of that is a sleeper hold from King Kong Bundy to Scott Hall. Eventually Scott Hall wins… I am not sure how as I feel asleep (I guess Bundy’s sleeper hold worked)

Anyway now comes the moment I have been waiting for Bret Hart vs 123 Kid… Wait a minute… All I see is… STATIC!!!! That’s right we were the only country in the world to not get given the Bret Hart vs 123 Kid match. So as the fat comic book guy from the Simpsons would say… "Worst Video Ever" I suggest you save yourself the time and just slam your genitals in a door 40 – 50 times… It’s cheaper than hiring the tape and will probably cause you less pain that watch "Brawl in the Family"